This will probably be my best blog since it's a topic I talk about weekly. In fact my friends are probably tired of me asking the same question over and over - Why am I still single? I sit by the pool, at a restaurant, or at bar and people watch a lot. I look at couples and sometimes say to myself "How the hell does she have a man and I don't?" I'm amazed at how some couples actually evolved. I am intrigued to the point where I almost want to go up and ask them how they came to be. I get on Facebook and see all of these relationship status changes- "Tim Smith is now married." "Sara Jones is now engaged." Are you serious??? Someone agreed to marry them and spend the rest of their lives with them? I am truly baffled sometimes on how some of the biggest douchebags/bitches I know have already walked down the aisle and I am still Miss Third Wheel USA.
I also love it when people tell me why they think I'm single. My favorite is "You won't find a guy until you stop looking for one." Really? Are you kidding me? So when I go out, you're telling me males, with their great ESP skills, can tell I am looking to find Mr. Right and will not approach me because I am looking for the same thing he is?! Give me a break. Stupidest advice ever. Then, I was once told guys don't like funny girls. Apparently, according to this person, men want to make all the jokes cause it makes them feel like more of a man. GFYS. I don't buy that one either. I'm funny, I'm not a wallflower, you won't have to hold my hand when we go into social environments where I don't know anyone. If you find that as a flaw in a woman, you're a dumbass. I have been told that I am too independent and that guys need a woman that needs them. This one I find the most interesting. So I have to pretend like I don't know how to change a light bulb to make him feel like a man? I have to ask him what "intentional grounding" is during a football game knowing damn well I know the game as much as he does. A lot of men feel inferior to a woman that makes more money than he does or who has a higher education level. Well guys, here's the deal. It's not 1954 anymore. We are pretty much equal now, so get over it. I will come to you for things such as a changing the oil in my car, fixing the garbage disposal if it's broken or installing a ceiling fan...otherwise I'm good. If that's a problem, you make need an ego check. Finally, and I love this one, I've been told I am "too picky." What does too picky mean? Does it mean I have standards and just know what I want? Is it bad that I have certain things I want and I'm not willing to compromise on? Am I a bad person saying no to guys that ask me out that I don't have any interest in? Some people say that at a certain point in you life, you may need to lower your expectations. Why? I've waited 33 years, been through 2 engagements and I am still single and never been married. If I've waited this long, I can wait it out until I get what I want.
I think women tend to do 2 things that lead to long term singleness. I have done both of these on more than one occasion: We subconsciously go after guys that we know we will have no long term future with or we self sabotage the relationship.
Mr. No Future - Ever dated a guy that you knew you would never marry or have kids with, but stayed in the relationship for way too long hoping he would change? My friend's mother likes to refer to this behavior as "taking in stray dogs." Lots of women I know go after a guy that they know deep down inside is not going to be hubby material. But they hope in the back of their mind that they are wrong and pray for a miracle that he will do a 180. I don't really think we do it subconsciously, but who doesn't love a challenge? What woman would not want to look back and say "When I met him, he was unemployed, an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah...and now he's a brain surgeon and we go to Tahiti for 2 months every year." Psssshhh, yea right. Fortunately, the older I get, the clearer the red flags have become. As a 33 year old single mom, I don't have enough time to invest in, what I call a "half man" anymore. I need him to come to me already "house broken." I don't have time to mold him into the man I want him to be. I am too busy doing that with my 10 year old son.
Seeking out the wrong in right - I know I am definitely guilty of this. There have been times where I was dating someone who was probably really good for me, but I either wasn't 100% attracted to them or they had some type of weird behavior that bothered me so much that I took it to another level. I started picking them apart; telling myself why this is not going to work and why we were not meant to be together even though everything was fine. I can't really explain this behavior as any other than self sabotaging. I have gone into several relationships with the mindset that it won't work out and so of course, it didn't. But now, I am more optimistic about dating. A positive mindset makes a huge difference.
So if you're still 3rd wheelin it, 3 things - take a look at what you're going after, how you're going about it, and if that's the best approach. And although your friends are good sounding boards and are great at giving you advice (even though most of them would never follow their own), you have to remember to do what's best for you and your life. My only dating advice for all you single ladies out there - Don't change who you are and don't try to change him.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The struggles of dating as a single mother
There's a reason why its protocol to get married, and have babies and stay married "till death do us part" because trying as a single parent is not easy. I have been a single parent for a little over 4 years and the longest relationship I have had since my son's father lasted about a 8 months.
I am not the person I was pre-child. It's not so easy to date me now. I can't go on spontaneous trips or go on a date during the week. When I leave my job at 5:30, my other job starts - Director of Household aka Mom. My life is consumed with my son's homework, karate lessons, soccer, choir, asthma medication and Guitar Hero. When I put him to sleep at night, I don't want to jump on the phone and have a 2 hour conversation with a guy I'm dating. I want to finish the laundry, watch Grey's Anatomy and go to bed. I don't get to workout at the gym 2 hours a day to make sure I look as tight as possible. 90% of my lunch breaks are used for either grocery shopping, going to the gym, or running errands so I don't have waste my time on these things when I could be spending it with my son. I like to call this time management :)
Some men see dating a single mom as a burden or an obstacle and would rather date someone with "no baggage." Well guess what guys - the older you get, the less options of dating woman with no baggage becomes unless you plan on dating 21 year olds for the rest of your life...and if you do, good luck with that. Drama central.
Although I may not be able to do things at the drop of a hat, there are advantages of dating a single mom that most men are not aware of:
1 - I won't cheat. I don't have time to cheat. I cant barely fit you into my life, so how could I balance more than one of you? And if I tried, my son would probably let the cat out of the bag and I don't wanna chance that.
2 - I don't have time for drama. I get plenty from my 10 year old.
3 - I know how to pay my own bills. Between balancing the mortgage, car payments, daycare, school functions, groceries, etc I am financially responsible. I have to be or my child doesn't get fed. This is a hard skill set to find in women and the majority of SM's have to possess it in order to survive.
4 - You get to see how I am as a mother. Most men want to try before they buy when it comes to sex, why not when it comes to parenting?
5 - Finally, most SM's will not push for commitment or a serious relationship. Once bitten, twice shy. We've been down this road before and are willing to take things a lot slower for the sake of our child now.
So to all the guys out there, before you rule out dating a single mom, weigh the pros and cons and I'll think you'll see we're a pretty good catch.
I am not the person I was pre-child. It's not so easy to date me now. I can't go on spontaneous trips or go on a date during the week. When I leave my job at 5:30, my other job starts - Director of Household aka Mom. My life is consumed with my son's homework, karate lessons, soccer, choir, asthma medication and Guitar Hero. When I put him to sleep at night, I don't want to jump on the phone and have a 2 hour conversation with a guy I'm dating. I want to finish the laundry, watch Grey's Anatomy and go to bed. I don't get to workout at the gym 2 hours a day to make sure I look as tight as possible. 90% of my lunch breaks are used for either grocery shopping, going to the gym, or running errands so I don't have waste my time on these things when I could be spending it with my son. I like to call this time management :)
Some men see dating a single mom as a burden or an obstacle and would rather date someone with "no baggage." Well guess what guys - the older you get, the less options of dating woman with no baggage becomes unless you plan on dating 21 year olds for the rest of your life...and if you do, good luck with that. Drama central.
Although I may not be able to do things at the drop of a hat, there are advantages of dating a single mom that most men are not aware of:
1 - I won't cheat. I don't have time to cheat. I cant barely fit you into my life, so how could I balance more than one of you? And if I tried, my son would probably let the cat out of the bag and I don't wanna chance that.
2 - I don't have time for drama. I get plenty from my 10 year old.
3 - I know how to pay my own bills. Between balancing the mortgage, car payments, daycare, school functions, groceries, etc I am financially responsible. I have to be or my child doesn't get fed. This is a hard skill set to find in women and the majority of SM's have to possess it in order to survive.
4 - You get to see how I am as a mother. Most men want to try before they buy when it comes to sex, why not when it comes to parenting?
5 - Finally, most SM's will not push for commitment or a serious relationship. Once bitten, twice shy. We've been down this road before and are willing to take things a lot slower for the sake of our child now.
So to all the guys out there, before you rule out dating a single mom, weigh the pros and cons and I'll think you'll see we're a pretty good catch.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Love the way you lie
I've debated on writing about this topic for a while. I want to warn you that before reading any further, that this is not a fun topic. But if I can help just one person out there reading this, it makes it all worth it.
About a month or so ago, I heard the new Eminem/Rhianna song "Love The Way You Lie." I loved the song when I first heard it. I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics. But then one day, I really listened and really heard the message. Its about an abusive relationship. About a guy that hits his girlfriend and when she leaves, he realizes what he's done and that she's not coming back. And it got me thinking about what happened to me.
My closest friends know the story I am about to reveal. Its hard for me to write about this, but I have recently gotten involved with a woman's shelter where I will be telling my story to victims of domestic violence and I thought I might as well start here.
I was the victim of domestic violence for close to 7 years...yes, 7 years. I look back now and see how I could have gotten out, but at the time, I saw no options. I met my son's father (who I will refer to as Nick) back in 1999. After our first date, we started spending almost everyday together. Things moved very quickly, too quickly. He moved in before we even really knew each other. I was 22, he was 24 and just got out of the Marines. We had lots of fun together. We were young and in love (or so I thought). But very quickly, things changed. I remember one night, we were out and got into a fight. When we got home, I wanted to go to bed and he wanted to keep fighting about it. When I didn't comply and got into bed, he ripped the covers off me and pulled me out of bed and grabbed my face and told me "If this takes all night to solve, then that's what we're going to do."
I will never forget that night. That was the first time a guy ever really put his hands on me aggressively. It freaked me out, but he apologized, said it was because he had been drinking and I let it go. As the weeks turned into months, he started getting more aggressive. It started with extreme yelling to the point where our neighbors complained. Then he began pushing me, grabbing my arm till he bruised me and then he pulled my hair one night when he accused me of cheating on him. I was actually on the verge of leaving him when I found out I was pregnant. At that point I felt like I was trapped. I hadn't told anyone of the abuse, but at that time I thought it would cease since I was pregnant. I was wrong.
Once night, I found a girl's number on a napkin in his wallet and confronted him. I got a 2 liter Coke bottle thrown at my 5 month pregnant stomach. I never told anyone. I was so embarrassed and afraid of what he might do. Every time he hit me, he would apologize and promise not to do it again, to get help, everything I wanted him to say pretty much.
Then, my son was born. Things were normal for the first month. Then the pressure set in. Baby crying, financial issues, and and unstable relationship is a formula for problems. He started to go out more and come home drunk. When he would come home, he would wake me up and start yelling at me about everything - the house not being clean, how fat I got after having the baby, and how I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. One night I told him I wanted to leave and that I was taking our son and moving out the next morning. He ripped me out of bed, threw me on the living room floor, tore my clothes off and started to rape me. He choked me so hard I blacked out. I woke up and he tried to scream. I screamed HELP ME so loud, I knew a neighbor had to hear. But no one did. He pressed his hand down on my mouth so I couldn't scream. He tried to gouge my eyes after I bit his hand. Then, he wrapped a towel around his knuckles so he wouldn't leave marks when he hit me. He hit me in my temples so many times, I blacked out again. I woke up handcuffed to a metal rod in my closet. And that's where I spent the night until he woke up the next morning and unlocked the cuffs. I moved out the next day.
I left him for about 6 months and for some reason I went back. I wanted to be a family. I didn't want to be a single mom. I wanted to make it work. But things went back to the way they were very quickly. He would hit me almost weekly, but I was too scared to tell anyone. We had just moved into a new house under my name and I was so scared of losing the house if he moved out, that I just took the abuse.
In May 2006, we finally decided to split up. He had been sleeping in the guest bedroom and I would sleep in the master bedroom. He disappeared for a weekend and came back on a Sunday night. Our son was so excited to see him when he came home that he asked if he could sleep with his dad that night. Of course I said yes. So I got into bed, and our son went into the guest bedroom to sleep with his dad. Nick had asked our son what we did this weekend. Our son told him that we had been out the night before and I was with a guy. *We had gone out with a group of couples and I was sitting next to my friend's husband. Suddenly, the door to my room flung open, he jumped up on the bed and was over me screaming "Who did you f**k while I was gone you stupid wh*re?!!" I had no idea what he was talking about and that's exactly what I said. That caused him to punch me right in the face and busted my lip and nose. I tried to run and grab my cell phone. He grabbed it and then threw me on the ground and continued to ask WHO WAS IT? I kept telling him I don't know what he is talking about. He pulled my hair and began to choke me from behind. I reached my arms back and grabbed his face and tried to scratch him. He grabbed the iron sitting on the ironing board next to my bed and went to swing it at me when all of a sudden a small scream came from the doorway. It was our son. He screamed at Nick to stop hurting me. Nick ran over to him and said he wasn't hurting me but needed him to take this phone and not let me use it. Our child was 6...he had no idea what the hell was going on or what to do. Nick then looked at me and said "Don't f**k up my life anymore than you already have" and left. I immediately called 911. They came, took pictures and I filed a report.
He was arrested and I filed a restraining order. He was charged with a Class A misdemeanor of domestic family violence and obstructing an emergency call. He got 18 months probation and had to attend a Batterers Intervention Prevention Program (BIPP). To me, that is a disgrace of punishment for what he has done to me and our son. Luckily, my son has no memory of that night, but I do and I always will. He has never said he is sorry to me for what he did. In fact, he denies everything even though there are more than 3 police reports with pictures.
I have no contact with him still today. Every time I see him at our son's school for a function, I get nervous. I am constantly in fear of being attacked. I get scared when I'm in an elevator alone with a man. But, I will not let what he did affect my life. I know that most men are not like this, but I am very cautious now. If a guy I am dating shows any signs of being controlling, jealous or aggressive, I'm out.
On a final note - so many people look the other way, don't get involved and "mind their own business." I really wish someone would have heard my screams one night and called the police because I was too scared to. If you think someone you know is being abused, do something. Offer them help, show them there is a way out...hell, give them my number. There are so many organizations out there that will help women and their children if they are victims of domestic violence. And if you are currently a victim of domestic violence I want to tell you that he doesn't love you if he hits you. It will not get better, it only gets worse. There is absolutely no reason to stay with a man that abuses you. I wish this never happened to me, but I am a stronger woman today because it did. If I can survive this, I can survive anything.
About a month or so ago, I heard the new Eminem/Rhianna song "Love The Way You Lie." I loved the song when I first heard it. I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics. But then one day, I really listened and really heard the message. Its about an abusive relationship. About a guy that hits his girlfriend and when she leaves, he realizes what he's done and that she's not coming back. And it got me thinking about what happened to me.
My closest friends know the story I am about to reveal. Its hard for me to write about this, but I have recently gotten involved with a woman's shelter where I will be telling my story to victims of domestic violence and I thought I might as well start here.
I was the victim of domestic violence for close to 7 years...yes, 7 years. I look back now and see how I could have gotten out, but at the time, I saw no options. I met my son's father (who I will refer to as Nick) back in 1999. After our first date, we started spending almost everyday together. Things moved very quickly, too quickly. He moved in before we even really knew each other. I was 22, he was 24 and just got out of the Marines. We had lots of fun together. We were young and in love (or so I thought). But very quickly, things changed. I remember one night, we were out and got into a fight. When we got home, I wanted to go to bed and he wanted to keep fighting about it. When I didn't comply and got into bed, he ripped the covers off me and pulled me out of bed and grabbed my face and told me "If this takes all night to solve, then that's what we're going to do."
I will never forget that night. That was the first time a guy ever really put his hands on me aggressively. It freaked me out, but he apologized, said it was because he had been drinking and I let it go. As the weeks turned into months, he started getting more aggressive. It started with extreme yelling to the point where our neighbors complained. Then he began pushing me, grabbing my arm till he bruised me and then he pulled my hair one night when he accused me of cheating on him. I was actually on the verge of leaving him when I found out I was pregnant. At that point I felt like I was trapped. I hadn't told anyone of the abuse, but at that time I thought it would cease since I was pregnant. I was wrong.
Once night, I found a girl's number on a napkin in his wallet and confronted him. I got a 2 liter Coke bottle thrown at my 5 month pregnant stomach. I never told anyone. I was so embarrassed and afraid of what he might do. Every time he hit me, he would apologize and promise not to do it again, to get help, everything I wanted him to say pretty much.
Then, my son was born. Things were normal for the first month. Then the pressure set in. Baby crying, financial issues, and and unstable relationship is a formula for problems. He started to go out more and come home drunk. When he would come home, he would wake me up and start yelling at me about everything - the house not being clean, how fat I got after having the baby, and how I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. One night I told him I wanted to leave and that I was taking our son and moving out the next morning. He ripped me out of bed, threw me on the living room floor, tore my clothes off and started to rape me. He choked me so hard I blacked out. I woke up and he tried to scream. I screamed HELP ME so loud, I knew a neighbor had to hear. But no one did. He pressed his hand down on my mouth so I couldn't scream. He tried to gouge my eyes after I bit his hand. Then, he wrapped a towel around his knuckles so he wouldn't leave marks when he hit me. He hit me in my temples so many times, I blacked out again. I woke up handcuffed to a metal rod in my closet. And that's where I spent the night until he woke up the next morning and unlocked the cuffs. I moved out the next day.
I left him for about 6 months and for some reason I went back. I wanted to be a family. I didn't want to be a single mom. I wanted to make it work. But things went back to the way they were very quickly. He would hit me almost weekly, but I was too scared to tell anyone. We had just moved into a new house under my name and I was so scared of losing the house if he moved out, that I just took the abuse.
In May 2006, we finally decided to split up. He had been sleeping in the guest bedroom and I would sleep in the master bedroom. He disappeared for a weekend and came back on a Sunday night. Our son was so excited to see him when he came home that he asked if he could sleep with his dad that night. Of course I said yes. So I got into bed, and our son went into the guest bedroom to sleep with his dad. Nick had asked our son what we did this weekend. Our son told him that we had been out the night before and I was with a guy. *We had gone out with a group of couples and I was sitting next to my friend's husband. Suddenly, the door to my room flung open, he jumped up on the bed and was over me screaming "Who did you f**k while I was gone you stupid wh*re?!!" I had no idea what he was talking about and that's exactly what I said. That caused him to punch me right in the face and busted my lip and nose. I tried to run and grab my cell phone. He grabbed it and then threw me on the ground and continued to ask WHO WAS IT? I kept telling him I don't know what he is talking about. He pulled my hair and began to choke me from behind. I reached my arms back and grabbed his face and tried to scratch him. He grabbed the iron sitting on the ironing board next to my bed and went to swing it at me when all of a sudden a small scream came from the doorway. It was our son. He screamed at Nick to stop hurting me. Nick ran over to him and said he wasn't hurting me but needed him to take this phone and not let me use it. Our child was 6...he had no idea what the hell was going on or what to do. Nick then looked at me and said "Don't f**k up my life anymore than you already have" and left. I immediately called 911. They came, took pictures and I filed a report.
He was arrested and I filed a restraining order. He was charged with a Class A misdemeanor of domestic family violence and obstructing an emergency call. He got 18 months probation and had to attend a Batterers Intervention Prevention Program (BIPP). To me, that is a disgrace of punishment for what he has done to me and our son. Luckily, my son has no memory of that night, but I do and I always will. He has never said he is sorry to me for what he did. In fact, he denies everything even though there are more than 3 police reports with pictures.
I have no contact with him still today. Every time I see him at our son's school for a function, I get nervous. I am constantly in fear of being attacked. I get scared when I'm in an elevator alone with a man. But, I will not let what he did affect my life. I know that most men are not like this, but I am very cautious now. If a guy I am dating shows any signs of being controlling, jealous or aggressive, I'm out.
On a final note - so many people look the other way, don't get involved and "mind their own business." I really wish someone would have heard my screams one night and called the police because I was too scared to. If you think someone you know is being abused, do something. Offer them help, show them there is a way out...hell, give them my number. There are so many organizations out there that will help women and their children if they are victims of domestic violence. And if you are currently a victim of domestic violence I want to tell you that he doesn't love you if he hits you. It will not get better, it only gets worse. There is absolutely no reason to stay with a man that abuses you. I wish this never happened to me, but I am a stronger woman today because it did. If I can survive this, I can survive anything.
And then...there was Triggity
A lot of you that are reading this are my friends on Facebook, so you know what a somewhat crazy life I lead. What a lot of you don't know is that I was a journalism major and my dream was to write a best selling book one day. I love writing. I love getting all my thoughts out and reading through them to see how I've progressed in my life. My father has written 5 books and I would love to one day follow in his footsteps. But for right now, I am going to blog...blog, blog, blog.
I remember when that term first came out, I was a bit confused. What the hell is a blog? Well, I'll tell you what my definition of a blog is. Its a narrative of thoughts, experiences and opinions from an individual. That may not be the exact definition, but that is what I am going to do. So I want to welcome all of you to follow me in MY journey of this crazy thing we call life. Some of my blogs will make you laugh, some will make you cry, some may make you think I am the craziest b*tch you've ever known...but I hope that most of them will make you think, make you realize that maybe you are not alone, that everyone has problems and issues, that there is no such thing as a normal life and to make the best of it while we're still here.
So follow me...I promise to keep you entertained..and if I don't...well, there's always Redbox for $1. Here we go...
I remember when that term first came out, I was a bit confused. What the hell is a blog? Well, I'll tell you what my definition of a blog is. Its a narrative of thoughts, experiences and opinions from an individual. That may not be the exact definition, but that is what I am going to do. So I want to welcome all of you to follow me in MY journey of this crazy thing we call life. Some of my blogs will make you laugh, some will make you cry, some may make you think I am the craziest b*tch you've ever known...but I hope that most of them will make you think, make you realize that maybe you are not alone, that everyone has problems and issues, that there is no such thing as a normal life and to make the best of it while we're still here.
So follow me...I promise to keep you entertained..and if I don't...well, there's always Redbox for $1. Here we go...
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