Reasons

Whenever something bad happens, we all search for reasons.  Reasons why it didn't work out the way we wanted it to, what we may have done wrong, what we could have done right.  I think I have said a thousand times, "If I could just go back in time, I would have..."

But what if we have to go through these things in order to grow?  What if all of these situations that seem to "only happen to us" happen to everyone at some point in their lives?  Think about it for a second...How would you know what happiness is if you've never experienced sadness? How would you know what pleasure is without knowing pain, closeness without loneliness, and true love without ever knowing the pain of a broken heart?

I've met a vet that served our country for 25 years who is now homeless on the streets of Dallas, I've been dumped by a guy who I was head over heels in love with via text message, I've seen an 8 year old child die of liver cancer suddenly, and I once had a friend who did something so unthinkable to me, that it almost ruined my life. Why did these things happen to me...to these people?  Is it karma?  Did I/they break a chain letter?  Nope.  It's just called life.  

One of my favorite pastors, Stephen Furtick once said, "Self-pity will pervert your perspective and paralyze your potential faster than almost any other emotion."  If you don't understand that, read it again until you do.  It makes perfect sense. You can sit around and wonder why this situation happened to you and put up walls or you can realize that this has happened to multiple people and its just a part of life.  Life is full of emotions.  If we didn't feel more than one, we wouldn't be living.  We'd just be surviving. 

Sometimes life is bittersweet. "We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, and lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learned through pain."  So instead of asking why or searching for a reason, just know that this situation, this feeling, this event, is just a part of life...a part of growing...a part of living. You are who you are because of what you've experienced and how you've handled it.  And each situation, no matter if its painful or amazing, will prepare you for the next chapter in your life. 

Let It Go

Just so I dont get into trouble for plagiarism, this was NOT written by me.  It was written by T.D. Jakes, who was chief pastor at The Potter's House.  Now whether you're religious or not, this is a powerful read.  If you don't believe, just take out the God parts and the message will still come through.
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Let It Go - T.D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. 

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. 

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, he'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! 

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO

If someone has angered you ...LET IT GO

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ...LET IT GO

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO


So whether or you're a believer or not, bottom line is - Learn to say goodbye and let go of the things in your life that do not move you forward and do not better you as a person.  Love and happiness is achievable if you can let go of the bad and let in the good.

Pay It Forward

So as some of you may know, I have a big place in my heart for those less fortunate.  I always feel like I am no more than 2 steps away from possibly being one of "those people" on any given day.  I'm also the girl that cries during the Feed The Children and SPCA commercials, wishes I could adopt every neglected and abused child and just basically do something to change the world.  But, in a way, I think I am.

My mother grew up homeless.  Her father was an alcoholic and could not keep a job. She has told me stories of growing up in abandoned buildings/bars and how they struggled to eat and stay warm everyday.  Luckily, she was able to break the cycle and escape the lifestyle.  But knowing that my own mother was homeless, makes me want to help others break the cycle.

Through my boss, I found an organization called OurCalling.org.  I met with the guy that actually started the organization one on one.  Each Wednesday, they do what is called a Search and Rescue.  They walk the streets of South Dallas and seek out the homeless.  They give them food, hygiene products and pray with them.  Some of the stories he told me of people he has encountered and what they go through are horrific.  It's insane that these things are going on 30 minutes from my house.  Women on the streets giving up there body for $3 to pay for their addiction (actual lines forming behind a liquor store with a cardboard sign that says $3 as men take their turn),  homeless men raping homeless women daily, the violence, the hopelessness, the feeling of being trash because they live by it.  Did you know there are 30,000 homeless in Dallas and the shelters only hold 1800 beds?  They have no other choice but to live under bridges and overpasses.

So after speaking to him, I was more than excited to embark on one of the most intense service projects I have ever done.  We hit the streets around 9 am.  I rode in a van with a few other homeless guys that were in the process of turning their lives around.  They told me their stories.  Most of them had started using drugs, gotten arrested, and the felony on their record has prevented them from any type of employment with the way the job market is right now.  I met one lady that owned her own company, lost her job, got evicted, car was repossessed, became homeless and now she can't get an apartment or a car due to her credit so she has been homeless for over 8 months.  No family to turn to doesn't help either.

Once we got to some of the bridges and the streets of South Dallas, we hopped out of the car, grabbed some bags of food and just started walking.  It was amazing.  People just came out of no where.  They recognized the OurCalling van and walked up to us.  Some were sleeping on couches in the middle of fields, in refrigerator boxes under bridges, bus stop benches...it was surreal.  This is really going on 30 minutes from my house.  We actually went to a real "crack house."  There we about 10 individuals inside an abandoned house, sitting on the ground, smoking dope and shooting up.  We had to send a guy in there to tell them we were here so they would come out because it was too dangerous for us to go inside.  Across the street, was what one of the guys referred to as a "dope yard."  It's an open wooded area where several homeless gather and just get high all day, and then they sleep there at night.

Now some of you are thinking in your head right now that these people need to just get off the drugs, go to a shelter, shower, fill out some applications and find a job, right?  I thought that way too.  We have all said, "I see NOW HIRING signs at gas stations, McDonalds, etc." Well, if it were that easy, there wouldn't be 30,000 homeless in Dallas.  Having a felony on your record can almost immediately eliminate you from consideration of a any job with the unemployment rate at 9.8%.  McDonalds will not hire you if you have a felony.  How do you fill out an application with no permanent residence or a phone number for them to contact you at for an interview?  A drug addiction is not something someone can break without help, and sometimes it takes medical help to truly overcome it.  How many homeless people do you know with a healthcare plan?  There is not enough room in the shelters for these people to go to. 30,000 homeless and 1800 beds in Dallas shelters. Where do the other 28, 200 stay at night? 

So what do we do?  How do we change this?  We pay it forward.

Here's my "I'm just a normal person that cares" answer:  Obviously, we need more organizations and more funding to help people get out of bad situations.  I know OurCalling is always in desperate need of funding to help out with feeding the homeless, giving them hygiene products, providing them with life skills classes, etc.  You may not have the monetary means to help in these situations, but you can definitely help join forces and contribute to make an impact.  Companies can make charitable donations - its a HUGE tax write off.  Why wouldn't they?  Have you ever asked your company to help an organization within your community?   Look at it this way -   Your company profits from the community, therefore they should give back as well.  That's my company's stand point, and its one of the few things I love about my job.   

From my standpoint, it all starts from within.  Once you can make that homeless person, that has to sleep by trash at night not feel like trash, they will become motivated...and do whatever it takes to get out of the cycle.  Motivation is what makes us all do what we do.  My child motivates me to be a better person, to go to work everyday, to pursue my goals so I can provide him with a better life.  You can be that motivator for a homeless person. I know for some of the people that I have dealt with personally, all it took was someone to listen to them, to pray with them and to give them that little push.

There are a lot of prideful homeless people that do not want to reach out to family and ask for help. Let me tell you something - Pride is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason.  It can kill you, and it will.  Who gives a flying eff about pride when you are freezing to death under a bridge and your stomach is growling because you haven't eaten in 4 days?  I have a lot of pride too, but I also realize that sometimes I need help and that's where family and friends come into play.  So for 50% of the homeless I meet, I do not preach to them about about God (although I do pray with them and continue to after I have met them).  I talk to them, see if they have any type of family or friends that can help.  Some say yes, but they don't want them to know that they are homeless or they're embarrassed, or they know that their family wouldn't care anyway.  That's when I pull out my cell phone and put it in there face and say -"So the next call you want your mother/children/siblings to receive is that you were found dead under a bridge? Let's call them right now."  Sometimes it works, and sometimes its doesn't.  I will never stop trying though.

The one thing I wish people would understand is - The homeless are just like you and me.  Some of them may have even been better off than you or I at some point and due to unfortunate circumstances, fell into this lifestyle.  Don't be afraid to shake their hand or start a conversation.  Human contact is so important for the soul.  I'm not a touchy person, but I always shake their hand, introduce myself, put my hand on their shoulder while talking to them and hug them when I say goodbye.  And 99% of the time, I remember their name.  I have seen several of them on different occasions and they are shocked when I walk up to them and say "Hey Jimmy!"  When they ask how I remembered their name, I tell them - "Because you made an impact on my life."  

Finally, I know its the holidays and people feel a greater urge to give, but people need help year round.  Don't forget how fortunate you truly are.  If you are able to read this blog, you probably have internet access, clothing, and a warm place to be.  That's more than 30,000 other people in Dallas have right now.

Everyday that you wake up, you have an opportunity to make a difference.  So pay it forward.

Dr. Phil aka Triggity Heart-in

I guess being an HR Manager makes me somewhat of a counselor.  At least that's how some people at my work see me.  I also consider myself a very easy person to talk to (if I ever shut up).  For the last month,  I have had a co-worker and a close friend (both males) come to me with their break up and divorce issues.  I won't mention any names to protect the innocent and heart broken, but it definitely got me thinking to the point where I decided to blog about it - Break ups: from a woman's perspective.

*My co-worker will probably never read this, but my friend might and I hope this soaks in a little...and if it doesn't, he is still welcome to keep calling me and texting me about it till the pain is over ;) 

Break ups suck.  I feel like I am almost a professional at them at this stage in my life. I've been through several.  I have broken guy's hearts and had my heart broken several times.  Some were easy to get over and some were devastating.  I thought the pain would never go away.  But amazingly, it did, and it does.  Every time; without failure. 


I seem to be a Dr. Phil for most of my guy friends/acquaintances, which I love by the way.  It's odd...when I talk to my guy friends/co-workers about their break ups/separation.  They come off as great actors in public.  They can completely act like everything is okay and it has no affect on them.  But once you get them really talking, its obvious - men take break ups just as hard, if not harder than women.  They just refuse to admit it.


Everybody has got their own way of dealing with a break up.  I have had friends go into a depression, wont leave the house, miss work, eat pints of ice cream, cry all day, call their ex, text him, beg for him back, stalk him on facebook, drive by his house....you know - the usual :)  I've also had friends that can amazingly say eff it and realize it wasn't meant to be and move on (my sister is one of those, which still amazes me).  Me personally:  I abide by the out of sight, out of mind motto....at least for a few months after the break up.  That doesn't mean I don't cry and eat ice cream...it just means I don't have any contact with them.


 There's a reason why they say "FALL" in love.  When you "fall" in love and break up, 3 things can happen:

1- It can be a minor fall, you get up, brush it off and go along your way. 

2 - You fall hard, get seriously "injured," bleed a little, nurse the wound the way it should be, and it heals.  The healing period takes some time, depending on how hard the fall was.  Sometimes it leaves a scar.  But scars are a part of the healing process and in the end, scars make pretty cool stories :)  

3 - Or....you fall really hard, get injured, bleed badly, nurse it a little and get what I refer to as a "love scab." And then instead of leaving it alone, you "pick at it."  And when I say pick at it, I mean-  you try to go back, you keep making contact, you keep opening a wound that is trying to heal.  The body heals itself over time.  But if you pick at a wound, it will bleed, again and again and take twice as long to heal.  Leave it alone if you want it to heal. 

One of my favorite movies, which hardly anyone has seen,  is called Love & Sex (circa 2000).  I highly suggest finding this movie and watching it.  They use to play it on HBO all the time.  The whole point of this movie is the impact timing has on love.  Timing is everything.  If two people are not on the same page in life, it just doesn't work.  That along with so many other factors.  If the person you are with does not share your major core values in life - whether it be religion, marriage, work ethic, children, etc. it just doesn't work. 

I've seen a friend go through it.  She tried so hard to make it work with someone, who in the back of her mind, knew it would never work with.  I won't go into great detail about it, because I have done it too, but what should have been a deal breaker, became a subconscious challenge to fix in her mind.  Love should not be a challenge.  Love should not be exhausting.  But unfortunately, love blinds you, it overtakes your other senses, your ability to reason or to think straight, or to listen to that gut feeling/intuition telling you this isn't right and to leave. But that intuition is there for a reason.  It's the body's way of protecting you... from danger and from being hurt.  I've learned to listen to mine...because it's right 99% of the time.



One more thing before I go:
You can be a great person, she/he can be a great person, but sometimes 2 great people aren't great together.  


- Dr. Triggity

Happy Holidays...fo realz

So my sis and I decided to do a little some thing starting from last night through the holidays.  It started off by 2 observations. 

Observation #1- When going into Wal-Mart, there was a "developmentally challenged" person at the front door greeting people the day of Thanksgiving (I have to watch what words I use to describe this person because I almost got my head chopped off at a restaurant from a doctor when I jokingly used the R word).  First and foremost, I applaud Wal-Mart for hiring people that most people would not even consider.  Anyway, my family is not very touchy feely, but on this day, it was different.  It was Thanksgiving and I think my siblings and I were raised to be very thankful and to know how fortunate we truly are.  When my sister and mother walked in, my sister and my mom immediately smiled at this lady and said Happy Thanksgiving!  I think about 95% of everyone that walked by her refused to make eye contact.  On the way out, most people just pushed their cart out and hurried on their busy way to get home to their familes.  But not mine.  My mother and my sister went up to her, smiled, wished her happy holidays and actually gave her a hug.  The lady started crying..along with a big smile.  Amazing - one simple act of kindness made that person's day.

Observation #2 - Last night, my sister, son and I were at Souper Salad (one of the few places you can go to with a vegetarian sister).  Almost immediately, we notice this poor, young kid (and by young I mean 25ish) was running the restaurant by himself - front cashier, busing tables and getting drinks for everyone.  Now I know working at Souper Salad has to rank as one of the crappiest jobs ever...somewhat.  You barely get tipped cause its a buffet and the clientele is not the most friendliest people (that's a given at any buffet).  But this kid was busting his ass all over the place.  People were complaining cause he wasn't getting them drinks fast enough.  Really?  Are we the only table that sees this kid is running a restaurant by himself?!  So almost a the same time, my sister and I look at each other and say - "How much cash do you have on you?"  This kid only brought water to our table, but we were not leaving without him knowing he was awesome in our eyes.  So we finished up, I grabbed $10 out of my purse, Carrie pitched in $5, and we had my son walk up to him as we left, put the money in his hands personally and tell him "Happy Holidays."  I swear the kid looked up at my sister and I am almost cried himself. Instant smile on my face :)

So - for the next month, during this holiday season, my sister and I have vouched to see how happy we can make others.  Whether its over tipping when we go out to eat and writing "Happy Holidays" on the receipt, smiling and asking someone how they are doing (and mean it), giving more hugs than usual, complimenting people when I usually wouldn't, calling friends instead of texting them and hearing their voice, or of course my favorite - going to Children's hospital and playing with the kids in the playroom for a few hours instead of going to a movie...my sister and I are going to make this holiday happy to OTHERS.  And....I think you should too.  Happy Holidays peeps. Remember, smiling is contagious.  I'm smiling right now as I type this - CHEESE!!! :))

It's me...again

Yup, I stopped blogging due to lack of time in my awesome schedule...and because I gave up on the idiots I was writing about.  So, I've decided to switch directions and just write about...well, whatever the hell I feel like that day.  I will try to keep it as entertaining as possible...I refuse to be boring.  And something interesting tends to happen to me almost daily...yay me.  But right now I feel fat and I need to go to the gym, so you'll have to wait till later tonight....

PS - Brunch at Blue Goose is amazing.  I highly suggest it...followed by 3 hours at the gym.  That is all.   

All the single ladies, all the single ladies...

This will probably be my best blog since it's a topic I talk about weekly.  In fact my friends are probably tired of me asking the same question over and over - Why am I still single?  I sit by the pool, at a restaurant, or at bar and people watch a lot.  I look at couples and sometimes say to myself "How the hell does she have a man and I don't?"  I'm amazed at how some couples actually evolved.  I am intrigued to the point where I almost want to go up and ask them how they came to be. I get on Facebook and see all of these relationship status changes- "Tim Smith is now married." "Sara Jones is now engaged."  Are you serious???  Someone agreed to marry them and spend the rest of their lives with them?  I am truly baffled sometimes on how some of the biggest douchebags/bitches I know have already walked down the aisle and I am still Miss Third Wheel USA.

I also love it when people tell me why they think I'm single.  My favorite is "You won't find a guy until you stop looking for one."  Really?  Are you kidding me?  So when I go out, you're telling me males, with their great ESP skills, can tell I am looking to find Mr. Right and will not approach me because I am looking for the same thing he is?!  Give me a break.  Stupidest advice ever. Then, I was once told guys don't like funny girls.  Apparently, according to this person, men want to make all the jokes cause it makes them feel like more of a man.  GFYS.  I don't buy that one either.  I'm funny, I'm not a wallflower, you won't have to hold my hand when we go into social environments where I don't know anyone.  If you find that as a flaw in a woman, you're a dumbass.  I have been told that I am too independent and that guys need a woman that needs them.  This one I find the most interesting.  So I have to pretend like I don't know how to change a light bulb to make him feel like a man?   I have to ask him what "intentional grounding" is during a football game knowing damn well I know the game as much as he does.  A lot of men feel inferior to a woman that makes more money than he does or who has a higher education level.  Well guys, here's the deal.  It's not 1954 anymore.  We are pretty much equal now, so get over it.  I will come to you for things such as a changing the oil in my car, fixing the garbage disposal if it's broken or installing a ceiling fan...otherwise I'm good.  If that's a problem, you make need an ego check.  Finally, and I love this one, I've been told I am "too picky."  What does too picky mean?  Does it mean I have standards and just know what I want?  Is it bad that I have certain things I want and I'm not willing to compromise on?  Am I a bad person saying no to guys that ask me out that I don't have any interest in? Some people say that at a certain point in you life, you may need to lower your expectations.  Why?  I've waited 33 years, been through 2 engagements and I am still single and never been married.  If I've waited this long, I can wait it out until I get what I want.

I think women tend to do 2 things that lead to long term singleness.  I have done both of these on more than one occasion:  We subconsciously go after guys that we know we will have no long term future with or we self sabotage the relationship.  

Mr. No Future - Ever dated a guy that you knew you would never marry or have kids with, but stayed in the relationship for way too long hoping he would change?  My friend's mother likes to refer to this behavior as "taking in stray dogs." Lots of women I know go after a guy that they know deep down inside is not going to be hubby material.  But they hope in the back of their mind that they are wrong and pray for a miracle that he will do a 180.  I don't really think we do it subconsciously, but who doesn't love a challenge?  What woman would not want to look back and say "When I met him, he was unemployed, an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah...and now he's a brain surgeon and we go to Tahiti for 2 months every year."  Psssshhh, yea right.  Fortunately, the older I get, the clearer the red flags have become. As a 33 year old single mom, I don't have enough time to invest in, what I call a "half man" anymore.  I need him to come to me already "house broken."  I don't have time to mold him into the man I want him to be.  I am too busy doing that with my 10 year old son. 

Seeking out the wrong in right -  I know I am definitely guilty of this.  There have been times where I was dating someone who was probably really good for me, but I either wasn't 100% attracted to them or they had some type of weird behavior that bothered me so much that I took it to another level.  I started picking them apart; telling myself why this is not going to work and why we were not meant to be together even though everything was fine.  I can't really explain this behavior as any other than self sabotaging.  I have gone into several relationships with the mindset that it won't work out and so of course, it didn't.  But now, I am more optimistic about dating.  A positive mindset makes a huge difference. 

So if you're still 3rd wheelin it, 3 things - take a look at what you're going after, how you're going about it, and if that's the best approach.  And although your friends are good sounding boards and are great at giving you advice (even though most of them would never follow their own), you have to remember to do what's best for you and your life.  My only dating advice for all you single ladies out there - Don't change who you are and don't try to change him. 

The struggles of dating as a single mother

There's a reason why its protocol to get married, and have babies and stay married "till death do us part" because trying as a single parent is not easy. I have been a single parent for a little over 4 years and the longest relationship I have had since my son's father lasted about a 8 months.

I am not the person I was pre-child. It's not so easy to date me now. I can't go on spontaneous trips or go on a date during the week. When I leave my job at 5:30, my other job starts - Director of Household aka Mom. My life is consumed with my son's homework, karate lessons, soccer, choir, asthma medication and Guitar Hero. When I put him to sleep at night, I don't want to jump on the phone and have a 2 hour conversation with a guy I'm dating. I want to finish the laundry, watch Grey's Anatomy and go to bed. I don't get to workout at the gym 2 hours a day to make sure I look as tight as possible. 90% of my lunch breaks are used for either grocery shopping, going to the gym, or running errands so I don't have waste my time on these things when I could be spending it with my son. I like to call this time management :)

Some men see dating a single mom as a burden or an obstacle and would rather date someone with "no baggage." Well guess what guys - the older you get, the less options of dating woman with no baggage becomes unless you plan on dating 21 year olds for the rest of your life...and if you do, good luck with that. Drama central.

Although I may not be able to do things at the drop of a hat, there are advantages of dating a single mom that most men are not aware of:

1 - I won't cheat. I don't have time to cheat. I cant barely fit you into my life, so how could I balance more than one of you? And if I tried, my son would probably let the cat out of the bag and I don't wanna chance that.

2 - I don't have time for drama. I get plenty from my 10 year old.

3 - I know how to pay my own bills. Between balancing the mortgage, car payments, daycare, school functions, groceries, etc I am financially responsible. I have to be or my child doesn't get fed. This is a hard skill set to find in women and the majority of SM's have to possess it in order to survive.

4 - You get to see how I am as a mother. Most men want to try before they buy when it comes to sex, why not when it comes to parenting?

5 - Finally, most SM's will not push for commitment or a serious relationship. Once bitten, twice shy. We've been down this road before and are willing to take things a lot slower for the sake of our child now.

So to all the guys out there, before you rule out dating a single mom, weigh the pros and cons and I'll think you'll see we're a pretty good catch.

Love the way you lie

I've debated on writing about this topic for a while. I want to warn you that before reading any further, that this is not a fun topic. But if I can help just one person out there reading this, it makes it all worth it.

About a month or so ago, I heard the new Eminem/Rhianna song "Love The Way You Lie." I loved the song when I first heard it. I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics. But then one day, I really listened and really heard the message. Its about an abusive relationship. About a guy that hits his girlfriend and when she leaves, he realizes what he's done and that she's not coming back. And it got me thinking about what happened to me.

My closest friends know the story I am about to reveal. Its hard for me to write about this, but I have recently gotten involved with a woman's shelter where I will be telling my story to victims of domestic violence and I thought I might as well start here.

I was the victim of domestic violence for close to 7 years...yes, 7 years. I look back now and see how I could have gotten out, but at the time, I saw no options. I met my son's father (who I will refer to as Nick) back in 1999. After our first date, we started spending almost everyday together. Things moved very quickly, too quickly. He moved in before we even really knew each other. I was 22, he was 24 and just got out of the Marines. We had lots of fun together. We were young and in love (or so I thought). But very quickly, things changed. I remember one night, we were out and got into a fight. When we got home, I wanted to go to bed and he wanted to keep fighting about it. When I didn't comply and got into bed, he ripped the covers off me and pulled me out of bed and grabbed my face and told me "If this takes all night to solve, then that's what we're going to do."

I will never forget that night. That was the first time a guy ever really put his hands on me aggressively. It freaked me out, but he apologized, said it was because he had been drinking and I let it go. As the weeks turned into months, he started getting more aggressive. It started with extreme yelling to the point where our neighbors complained. Then he began pushing me, grabbing my arm till he bruised me and then he pulled my hair one night when he accused me of cheating on him. I was actually on the verge of leaving him when I found out I was pregnant. At that point I felt like I was trapped. I hadn't told anyone of the abuse, but at that time I thought it would cease since I was pregnant. I was wrong.

Once night, I found a girl's number on a napkin in his wallet and confronted him. I got a 2 liter Coke bottle thrown at my 5 month pregnant stomach. I never told anyone. I was so embarrassed and afraid of what he might do. Every time he hit me, he would apologize and promise not to do it again, to get help, everything I wanted him to say pretty much.

Then, my son was born. Things were normal for the first month. Then the pressure set in. Baby crying, financial issues, and and unstable relationship is a formula for problems. He started to go out more and come home drunk. When he would come home, he would wake me up and start yelling at me about everything - the house not being clean, how fat I got after having the baby, and how I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. One night I told him I wanted to leave and that I was taking our son and moving out the next morning. He ripped me out of bed, threw me on the living room floor, tore my clothes off and started to rape me. He choked me so hard I blacked out. I woke up and he tried to scream. I screamed HELP ME so loud, I knew a neighbor had to hear. But no one did. He pressed his hand down on my mouth so I couldn't scream. He tried to gouge my eyes after I bit his hand. Then, he wrapped a towel around his knuckles so he wouldn't leave marks when he hit me. He hit me in my temples so many times, I blacked out again. I woke up handcuffed to a metal rod in my closet. And that's where I spent the night until he woke up the next morning and unlocked the cuffs. I moved out the next day.

I left him for about 6 months and for some reason I went back. I wanted to be a family. I didn't want to be a single mom. I wanted to make it work. But things went back to the way they were very quickly. He would hit me almost weekly, but I was too scared to tell anyone. We had just moved into a new house under my name and I was so scared of losing the house if he moved out, that I just took the abuse.

In May 2006, we finally decided to split up. He had been sleeping in the guest bedroom and I would sleep in the master bedroom. He disappeared for a weekend and came back on a Sunday night. Our son was so excited to see him when he came home that he asked if he could sleep with his dad that night. Of course I said yes. So I got into bed, and our son went into the guest bedroom to sleep with his dad. Nick had asked our son what we did this weekend. Our son told him that we had been out the night before and I was with a guy. *We had gone out with a group of couples and I was sitting next to my friend's husband. Suddenly, the door to my room flung open, he jumped up on the bed and was over me screaming "Who did you f**k while I was gone you stupid wh*re?!!" I had no idea what he was talking about and that's exactly what I said. That caused him to punch me right in the face and busted my lip and nose. I tried to run and grab my cell phone. He grabbed it and then threw me on the ground and continued to ask WHO WAS IT? I kept telling him I don't know what he is talking about. He pulled my hair and began to choke me from behind. I reached my arms back and grabbed his face and tried to scratch him. He grabbed the iron sitting on the ironing board next to my bed and went to swing it at me when all of a sudden a small scream came from the doorway. It was our son. He screamed at Nick to stop hurting me. Nick ran over to him and said he wasn't hurting me but needed him to take this phone and not let me use it. Our child was 6...he had no idea what the hell was going on or what to do. Nick then looked at me and said "Don't f**k up my life anymore than you already have" and left. I immediately called 911. They came, took pictures and I filed a report.

He was arrested and I filed a restraining order. He was charged with a Class A misdemeanor of domestic family violence and obstructing an emergency call. He got 18 months probation and had to attend a Batterers Intervention Prevention Program (BIPP). To me, that is a disgrace of punishment for what he has done to me and our son. Luckily, my son has no memory of that night, but I do and I always will. He has never said he is sorry to me for what he did. In fact, he denies everything even though there are more than 3 police reports with pictures.

I have no contact with him still today. Every time I see him at our son's school for a function, I get nervous. I am constantly in fear of being attacked. I get scared when I'm in an elevator alone with a man. But, I will not let what he did affect my life. I know that most men are not like this, but I am very cautious now. If a guy I am dating shows any signs of being controlling, jealous or aggressive, I'm out.

On a final note - so many people look the other way, don't get involved and "mind their own business." I really wish someone would have heard my screams one night and called the police because I was too scared to. If you think someone you know is being abused, do something. Offer them help, show them there is a way out...hell, give them my number. There are so many organizations out there that will help women and their children if they are victims of domestic violence. And if you are currently a victim of domestic violence I want to tell you that he doesn't love you if he hits you. It will not get better, it only gets worse. There is absolutely no reason to stay with a man that abuses you. I wish this never happened to me, but I am a stronger woman today because it did. If I can survive this, I can survive anything.

And then...there was Triggity

A lot of you that are reading this are my friends on Facebook, so you know what a somewhat crazy life I lead. What a lot of you don't know is that I was a journalism major and my dream was to write a best selling book one day. I love writing. I love getting all my thoughts out and reading through them to see how I've progressed in my life. My father has written 5 books and I would love to one day follow in his footsteps. But for right now, I am going to blog...blog, blog, blog.

I remember when that term first came out, I was a bit confused. What the hell is a blog? Well, I'll tell you what my definition of a blog is. Its a narrative of thoughts, experiences and opinions from an individual. That may not be the exact definition, but that is what I am going to do. So I want to welcome all of you to follow me in MY journey of this crazy thing we call life. Some of my blogs will make you laugh, some will make you cry, some may make you think I am the craziest b*tch you've ever known...but I hope that most of them will make you think, make you realize that maybe you are not alone, that everyone has problems and issues, that there is no such thing as a normal life and to make the best of it while we're still here.

So follow me...I promise to keep you entertained..and if I don't...well, there's always Redbox for $1. Here we go...