This will probably be my best blog since it's a topic I talk about weekly. In fact my friends are probably tired of me asking the same question over and over - Why am I still single? I sit by the pool, at a restaurant, or at bar and people watch a lot. I look at couples and sometimes say to myself "How the hell does she have a man and I don't?" I'm amazed at how some couples actually evolved. I am intrigued to the point where I almost want to go up and ask them how they came to be. I get on Facebook and see all of these relationship status changes- "Tim Smith is now married." "Sara Jones is now engaged." Are you serious??? Someone agreed to marry them and spend the rest of their lives with them? I am truly baffled sometimes on how some of the biggest douchebags/bitches I know have already walked down the aisle and I am still Miss Third Wheel USA.
I also love it when people tell me why they think I'm single. My favorite is "You won't find a guy until you stop looking for one." Really? Are you kidding me? So when I go out, you're telling me males, with their great ESP skills, can tell I am looking to find Mr. Right and will not approach me because I am looking for the same thing he is?! Give me a break. Stupidest advice ever. Then, I was once told guys don't like funny girls. Apparently, according to this person, men want to make all the jokes cause it makes them feel like more of a man. GFYS. I don't buy that one either. I'm funny, I'm not a wallflower, you won't have to hold my hand when we go into social environments where I don't know anyone. If you find that as a flaw in a woman, you're a dumbass. I have been told that I am too independent and that guys need a woman that needs them. This one I find the most interesting. So I have to pretend like I don't know how to change a light bulb to make him feel like a man? I have to ask him what "intentional grounding" is during a football game knowing damn well I know the game as much as he does. A lot of men feel inferior to a woman that makes more money than he does or who has a higher education level. Well guys, here's the deal. It's not 1954 anymore. We are pretty much equal now, so get over it. I will come to you for things such as a changing the oil in my car, fixing the garbage disposal if it's broken or installing a ceiling fan...otherwise I'm good. If that's a problem, you make need an ego check. Finally, and I love this one, I've been told I am "too picky." What does too picky mean? Does it mean I have standards and just know what I want? Is it bad that I have certain things I want and I'm not willing to compromise on? Am I a bad person saying no to guys that ask me out that I don't have any interest in? Some people say that at a certain point in you life, you may need to lower your expectations. Why? I've waited 33 years, been through 2 engagements and I am still single and never been married. If I've waited this long, I can wait it out until I get what I want.
I think women tend to do 2 things that lead to long term singleness. I have done both of these on more than one occasion: We subconsciously go after guys that we know we will have no long term future with or we self sabotage the relationship.
Mr. No Future - Ever dated a guy that you knew you would never marry or have kids with, but stayed in the relationship for way too long hoping he would change? My friend's mother likes to refer to this behavior as "taking in stray dogs." Lots of women I know go after a guy that they know deep down inside is not going to be hubby material. But they hope in the back of their mind that they are wrong and pray for a miracle that he will do a 180. I don't really think we do it subconsciously, but who doesn't love a challenge? What woman would not want to look back and say "When I met him, he was unemployed, an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah...and now he's a brain surgeon and we go to Tahiti for 2 months every year." Psssshhh, yea right. Fortunately, the older I get, the clearer the red flags have become. As a 33 year old single mom, I don't have enough time to invest in, what I call a "half man" anymore. I need him to come to me already "house broken." I don't have time to mold him into the man I want him to be. I am too busy doing that with my 10 year old son.
Seeking out the wrong in right - I know I am definitely guilty of this. There have been times where I was dating someone who was probably really good for me, but I either wasn't 100% attracted to them or they had some type of weird behavior that bothered me so much that I took it to another level. I started picking them apart; telling myself why this is not going to work and why we were not meant to be together even though everything was fine. I can't really explain this behavior as any other than self sabotaging. I have gone into several relationships with the mindset that it won't work out and so of course, it didn't. But now, I am more optimistic about dating. A positive mindset makes a huge difference.
So if you're still 3rd wheelin it, 3 things - take a look at what you're going after, how you're going about it, and if that's the best approach. And although your friends are good sounding boards and are great at giving you advice (even though most of them would never follow their own), you have to remember to do what's best for you and your life. My only dating advice for all you single ladies out there - Don't change who you are and don't try to change him.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your past paragraph. don't change who you are. I think you just havent found your match. With some couples opposites attract, with other couples their are the same. I think you need the same person and you just haven't found that person yet.
ReplyDeleteWhat type of man are you looking for, what are you willing to accept? Do you want a man that can be a great provider, give you weekends in Tahiti? Or do you want someone that will be a great father to your son and a real man's man? Or do you want someone that will be a great supporter of you, he will cook you dinner, share the chores with you?
No one can answer your question except you, why are you single, only you know, just don't give up.