Love the way you lie

I've debated on writing about this topic for a while. I want to warn you that before reading any further, that this is not a fun topic. But if I can help just one person out there reading this, it makes it all worth it.

About a month or so ago, I heard the new Eminem/Rhianna song "Love The Way You Lie." I loved the song when I first heard it. I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics. But then one day, I really listened and really heard the message. Its about an abusive relationship. About a guy that hits his girlfriend and when she leaves, he realizes what he's done and that she's not coming back. And it got me thinking about what happened to me.

My closest friends know the story I am about to reveal. Its hard for me to write about this, but I have recently gotten involved with a woman's shelter where I will be telling my story to victims of domestic violence and I thought I might as well start here.

I was the victim of domestic violence for close to 7 years...yes, 7 years. I look back now and see how I could have gotten out, but at the time, I saw no options. I met my son's father (who I will refer to as Nick) back in 1999. After our first date, we started spending almost everyday together. Things moved very quickly, too quickly. He moved in before we even really knew each other. I was 22, he was 24 and just got out of the Marines. We had lots of fun together. We were young and in love (or so I thought). But very quickly, things changed. I remember one night, we were out and got into a fight. When we got home, I wanted to go to bed and he wanted to keep fighting about it. When I didn't comply and got into bed, he ripped the covers off me and pulled me out of bed and grabbed my face and told me "If this takes all night to solve, then that's what we're going to do."

I will never forget that night. That was the first time a guy ever really put his hands on me aggressively. It freaked me out, but he apologized, said it was because he had been drinking and I let it go. As the weeks turned into months, he started getting more aggressive. It started with extreme yelling to the point where our neighbors complained. Then he began pushing me, grabbing my arm till he bruised me and then he pulled my hair one night when he accused me of cheating on him. I was actually on the verge of leaving him when I found out I was pregnant. At that point I felt like I was trapped. I hadn't told anyone of the abuse, but at that time I thought it would cease since I was pregnant. I was wrong.

Once night, I found a girl's number on a napkin in his wallet and confronted him. I got a 2 liter Coke bottle thrown at my 5 month pregnant stomach. I never told anyone. I was so embarrassed and afraid of what he might do. Every time he hit me, he would apologize and promise not to do it again, to get help, everything I wanted him to say pretty much.

Then, my son was born. Things were normal for the first month. Then the pressure set in. Baby crying, financial issues, and and unstable relationship is a formula for problems. He started to go out more and come home drunk. When he would come home, he would wake me up and start yelling at me about everything - the house not being clean, how fat I got after having the baby, and how I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. One night I told him I wanted to leave and that I was taking our son and moving out the next morning. He ripped me out of bed, threw me on the living room floor, tore my clothes off and started to rape me. He choked me so hard I blacked out. I woke up and he tried to scream. I screamed HELP ME so loud, I knew a neighbor had to hear. But no one did. He pressed his hand down on my mouth so I couldn't scream. He tried to gouge my eyes after I bit his hand. Then, he wrapped a towel around his knuckles so he wouldn't leave marks when he hit me. He hit me in my temples so many times, I blacked out again. I woke up handcuffed to a metal rod in my closet. And that's where I spent the night until he woke up the next morning and unlocked the cuffs. I moved out the next day.

I left him for about 6 months and for some reason I went back. I wanted to be a family. I didn't want to be a single mom. I wanted to make it work. But things went back to the way they were very quickly. He would hit me almost weekly, but I was too scared to tell anyone. We had just moved into a new house under my name and I was so scared of losing the house if he moved out, that I just took the abuse.

In May 2006, we finally decided to split up. He had been sleeping in the guest bedroom and I would sleep in the master bedroom. He disappeared for a weekend and came back on a Sunday night. Our son was so excited to see him when he came home that he asked if he could sleep with his dad that night. Of course I said yes. So I got into bed, and our son went into the guest bedroom to sleep with his dad. Nick had asked our son what we did this weekend. Our son told him that we had been out the night before and I was with a guy. *We had gone out with a group of couples and I was sitting next to my friend's husband. Suddenly, the door to my room flung open, he jumped up on the bed and was over me screaming "Who did you f**k while I was gone you stupid wh*re?!!" I had no idea what he was talking about and that's exactly what I said. That caused him to punch me right in the face and busted my lip and nose. I tried to run and grab my cell phone. He grabbed it and then threw me on the ground and continued to ask WHO WAS IT? I kept telling him I don't know what he is talking about. He pulled my hair and began to choke me from behind. I reached my arms back and grabbed his face and tried to scratch him. He grabbed the iron sitting on the ironing board next to my bed and went to swing it at me when all of a sudden a small scream came from the doorway. It was our son. He screamed at Nick to stop hurting me. Nick ran over to him and said he wasn't hurting me but needed him to take this phone and not let me use it. Our child was 6...he had no idea what the hell was going on or what to do. Nick then looked at me and said "Don't f**k up my life anymore than you already have" and left. I immediately called 911. They came, took pictures and I filed a report.

He was arrested and I filed a restraining order. He was charged with a Class A misdemeanor of domestic family violence and obstructing an emergency call. He got 18 months probation and had to attend a Batterers Intervention Prevention Program (BIPP). To me, that is a disgrace of punishment for what he has done to me and our son. Luckily, my son has no memory of that night, but I do and I always will. He has never said he is sorry to me for what he did. In fact, he denies everything even though there are more than 3 police reports with pictures.

I have no contact with him still today. Every time I see him at our son's school for a function, I get nervous. I am constantly in fear of being attacked. I get scared when I'm in an elevator alone with a man. But, I will not let what he did affect my life. I know that most men are not like this, but I am very cautious now. If a guy I am dating shows any signs of being controlling, jealous or aggressive, I'm out.

On a final note - so many people look the other way, don't get involved and "mind their own business." I really wish someone would have heard my screams one night and called the police because I was too scared to. If you think someone you know is being abused, do something. Offer them help, show them there is a way out...hell, give them my number. There are so many organizations out there that will help women and their children if they are victims of domestic violence. And if you are currently a victim of domestic violence I want to tell you that he doesn't love you if he hits you. It will not get better, it only gets worse. There is absolutely no reason to stay with a man that abuses you. I wish this never happened to me, but I am a stronger woman today because it did. If I can survive this, I can survive anything.